Harpur's Bizarre

For a couple of years now, humans and beasts have been hanging out together on planet Earth.

The beasts used to rule the joint- because they were massive, had pointy bones coming out of their mouth and more pointy things coming out their paws.  Plus, they were big, super fit- and could probably bench-press 170 (without the psychological aid of  isotonic vitamin water and protein shake).

Then humans started getting a bit handy with pointy sticks, and took over the role of ‘Boss of the World’ for a while.

But lately, I have noticed an emerging trend of these wild animals turning on the ‘H’ man, and standing up for the indigenous rights of the wild animal.  They have had it with our nonsense.

"What you looking at? Hmmm? Did you get eyes for Christmas? I'm not gay! You are!"

It’s a revolution, baby!

I am delighted by this.

I would prefer to be on the same side as the wild animals, co-existing in peace; but since I was a child, I have longed for an epic, Narnia-like battle between man and beast.  And I am fully rooting for the beasts.  My money is on the trifecta of Elephant, Tiger and Chimpanzee.

Elephants have been taking over villages. There have been many elephant battles. They stampede. They pillage.  (Reports of rape are, as yet, unconfirmed).  If they had opposable thumbs, they would, like totally, shoot burning arrows onto the thatched roofs of the villagers houses.One man got trampled trying to pray to the Elephant, offering it a wreath of flowers.  Ele-boom-boom (the Elephant’s speculated name) was obviously an atheist.  And possibly homophobic (he thought flowers were a bit gay and got on the defence.  He protesteth too much, me thinks.)

I am delighted by the elephants warmongering.  Elephants have for a long time been depicted as gentle, submissive creatures, who will do lame tricks for peanuts, and are scared of mice. But now we have reached the dawn of the elephant revolution- and they are fighting for their right to smash shit up.

In other news- ‘People Keep Getting Mauled by Giant Cats’.

It is certainly helping quash my fantasies of riding a lion bareback through the forest. Sort of.

The maulees must be devastated. Not only by the physical trauma, but it’s probably the only circumstance where you could get your limbs torn off and digested, yet not receive an ounce of sympathy from your friends or the general public.

You can almost hear the cries of ‘Severs him right (see what I did there? Yus! Horrific use of wordplay…)- he deserves to be limbless!”

The families must get pissed off with the pursed lip stares and the rants about animal rights.

Tigers are probably cracking up, laughing their feline hearts out, as the maulings are probably part of an elaborate, 2 generational, 17 year plan to get revenge on the humans. It probably involved a lot of acting, spywifery and covert operation. A sting on the humans. More to come.

How would you break it to a child that their father got chewed to death by a tiger?

I would suggest using the word ‘gobble’.  It makes it a quirky, Roald Dahl inspired back-story, rather than an horrific freak accident.

“Harry- something to tell you… Daddy got gobbled up by a tiger! Silly daddy! Ha!

The third and most suprising of the Animal Army- is the Chimpanzee…

On world news authority, Oprah, we had the experience of seeing a woman whose face was ripped off by a chimpanzee.  This traumatised me greatly, because of all the animals to get a bit faceliftey, the dear chimp would have to be the last suspect.

Remember those advertisements for PG Tips Tea?  Chimpanzees having tea parties, dressed like people.  They have over 98%  identical DNA to humans.  They are only a few chromosomes behind… never mind (omitted down-syndrome joke.  Tempted, but thought better of it.  I am a mature lady now. A woman.  WOMan.  A man with a womb).

They get my wildcard vote, as they are the animal most likely to gain out trust, which is an essential part of tactical warfare.

Let’s face it.  The beasts are fighting back and it’s going to be an epic battle of epic epicness.  I hope to see highlights on pay-per-view in times to come (I don’t really- during my ‘research’ I was stupid enough to type ‘Tiger Attack’ into Google Images.  Not recommended).