Harpur's Bizarre

I am not a fan of dolphins.

They are the Christians of the sea.

They chase after sharks, push their beliefs and avoid caffeine.

I don’t trust them.  A face that streamlined could only be designed for evil and sordid acts.  Acts of evil.  And sordidity (what do you mean ’sordidity’ isn’t a word?  It clearly is.  Well, it clearly should be).

How Rude!

But don’t take my word for it, here is a true story which illustrates the depths of the dolphins evil and his desire to destroy the very people who worship him the most (names changed because I can’t remember what they were)…

Shelley loved dolphins.

She loved dolphins big time.  Her home sported hand sculptured dolphin candles, dolphin wind chimes, and a velour bedspread with a massive picture of a dolphin leaping out of the water in front of a sunset.

Shelley felt uncomfortable with the distance between herself and the mighty dolphin.  So she decided to get on a boat and get amongst the action.

Shelley was in her element.  She and her boyfriend were on a boat, in the midst of high frequency dolphin noise pollution- and it was marvellous.  But it wasn’t enough for Shelley.  She lay on the deck, fantasising of getting even closer to the dolphins.  She sang a hauntingly haunting song, summoning the creatures from the deep.

Then her dream came true.

A 300 kg dolphin leapt out of the ocean, and into the boat.

Onto her.

You may laugh (I certainly did), but Shelley suffered massive internal injuries, and nearly died (I stopped laughing here).  It was in hospital that her boyfriend looked at her bloodied, broken, dolphin-smashed body and though ‘this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with’.

Who wouldn’t?  Clearly, she’s a catch.

They did get married, and sold their story to the Womans Weekly entitled ‘Dolphin Girl Gets Married.’

The article discussed her feelings towards the dolphin, stating she still loves them as much as ever; and detailed the wedding, which included a massive ICE SCULPTURE OF A DOLPHIN.

Am I the only one who finds this bizarre?

If I got hit by a truck, I would not have a truck-shaped ice sculpture at my wedding.  And if I was forever referred to as ‘Truck Girl’, I would be offended.

You still like dolphins, do you?  Hmmm?  Dolphin girl?  You still think they are beautiful, majestic, intelligent creatures?  Maybe you should re-consider, because dolphins clearly DO NOT like you.

I would think twice before lying on a beach this summer, Dolphin Girl, or you may end up with a whale (the dolphins fat cousin) beaching itself on your head.

The moral of this story is that dolphins do not want to be worshipped.  People like Shelley are ruining their rep, and they will do everything in their power to strike them down.  They find stained glass window hangings in their image tacky and embarassing.  Which gives them a few more points in my book.

But not enough for me to buy ‘dolphin friendly’ tuna.